Feel the Burn

So Mom decided to dress up as "dead woman" this year for Halloween. It was easy. It's not too different than how I actually feel. I've tried to avoid it, but you may have to endure one "pity-me" post.

Aside from the first week of diagnosis and the mental terror it brought, this past week has been the hardest week of all. Surgery was more painful, but radiation has been relentless (and let's be honest -- I had really good meds after surgery). 30 days does not sound like a long time until you hit the 20th day or so. Mentally, I am done. I'm tired of the reminder every day at 1:30 that I have cancer. I'm tired of the impersonal buzz of the radiation equipment that could care less about the state of my skin below. I'm tired of dressing in hospital gowns (especially the ones with the rips in awkward places that you don't notice until you're in the chair). I'm tired of layers of creams on my skin that no longer help (and in fact, sometimes aid in the process of sloughing off skin when it sticks to my clothes -- oops! didn't see that coming!). I'm tired of feeling disoriented and forgetful. I'm tired of being tired, basically.

Mercifully, the doctor decided to remove the bolus from my treatment regimen (remember that thick, folded-up piece of love that brings the radiation up higher into my skin?), but the damage had already been done. I am peeling and burning in places I would not have guessed possible. And my nerves are -- literally -- shot. I have shooting pains in the same area that are mildly alleviated with ibuprofen. (Hmmm...that leftover surgery prescription is looking pretty tempting at this point...)

I have three days to go. I thought I would be excited, but that has been tempered by the realization that recovery will likely go on for weeks afterward. I know I'll get to the morning when I wake up and say, "Hey, I feel normal!" but that will take a while longer than planned. Celebrations might have to be postponed.

I am so grateful for the calls from friends and family during the long haul. While I may "look great," (cancer Kristen forgot to tell mother/worker/wife/grocery-shopping/gym-visiting-so-I-can-keep-up-my-energy Kristen to take a break), the mental and physical struggles have increased dramatically these last few days. I appreciate the check-ins and support. Continue to be gentle with me and especially my super-patient and super-wonderful spouse (who has done more than his fair share of consoling a weepy pile of mess lately).

We're almost back to full speed, but we may need a little more time than we anticipated before we leave the zombie days behind. And I promise: no more pity posts!

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